Still Failing…

It has been SO LONG since I posted something new. Everyday, I am failing. 

Perhaps that is a harsh way to think about it but a part of me thinks that (aside from psychopaths and narcissists) we all wake up with the burden of the day ahead of us and try but mostly fail in accomplishing what we had hoped to do that day.

When I started this website I set out to be consistent about posting. But boy has this been a challenge. Maybe I am just not that strong of a person but it is damned hard to get up every morning and summon up enough energy and will power to do the right thing or do what must be done. Day in and day out, there is no break. Lawyering is like that. You win a case and maybe you have a moment to celebrate but then immediately afterwards you are tossed back into the fray.

For the record I haven’t been doing nothing. I have been working on my bankruptcy study guide and I would like to think it’s going well. Slow, because I only manage to write a page a day, but still going, and still better than no pages a day. I am not too particularly concerned about the bankruptcy book because I technically have a publishing contract for that one though my publisher is still MIA. I haven’t talked to him since October of last year and gave up trying to reach him. I should probably try again. The other thing is that since my bankruptcy study guide is tied to an existing textbook, I know I would be wasting energy worrying about it. We will see I guess.

What’s keeping me up more is my completed Contracts 101 book. It’s just been sitting on my desk for months. Receiving no attention and no love even though it is technically done. There are a million things I SHOULD be doing to get it out there but I just haven’t done it yet. I should perhaps just commit to the Kickstarter but a part of me is so concerned it will fail that I have been putting it off.

The mystery of who keeps signing up for my non-existent e-mail list also plagues me. I suppose I should send out an email newsletter at some point but again that has been on the to-do list for YEARS and not done. Aren’t I just a giant disappointment to the universe?

I think the problem lies in the “business” side of my work. I am still a little scared to call it art so I will say “works”. I love doing what I do for the joy of creation and writing and drawing and communicating. I love the idea of hopefully helping those who don’t understand the law have a bridge to it. What I don’t love is the idea that I might have to promote it myself. Or sell it myself. I keep wishing for a white knight to come in and tell me it will all be ok and he or she will take my work and tell the world about it far and wide. I should maybe look into an agent. *Sigh*

I try to ask my partner to help me but he’s busy too and procrastinates even more than me. It’s probably not that great for our marriage for me to put that hope on him but he’s all I’ve got right now and every day he doesn’t try to somehow bring my books to market is a tiny disappointment that accumulates. It’s really not healthy. At the end of the day, you can only rely on yourself. And this self is not getting anywhere with bringing her Contracts book to market. I should be more grateful that my partner still loves me and tolerates me.

Recently my partner bought me the seminal work “The Artist’s Way”. It is a tome and known as a cornerstone piece for artists who feel stuck. I have started reading it and it’s very inspiring. It prescribes a 12 week program to get in touch with your artistic side. I am going to give that a go, perhaps it will help me feel better about myself and my progress.

My goal this week is to do a new comic for the website. I need to get back on this damn horse. Fallen off and failing, but I refuse to be defeated.